Happy Birthday, overthinker!

As my birthday is coming to an end and I have grown an year older and hopefully wiser, I take this day to promise myself to be a better person. And as a part of being better, I am here to accept my short comings and probably ask for help to get over them.

I have this issue of “Overthinking” in every situation possible. Some might term it as an anxiety issue but then I am not sure. But again, if not that serious, this habit has really handicapped me in a lot of ways.

Even the smallest of things that happen around me, makes me extremely anxious. I think about what you said to me, the way you talked, the tone of your voice and a lot more for hours and hours. Even the things you haven’t said will haunt me. I think about past and future till the extend that I ruin my present.

There are multiple and multiple sounds going in my head, so much so that I can’t even process things at time and just become mum. At this point in time, I lose the ability to say anything wise and hence just chose to shut up. And I have this constant thoughts of something bad happening to me or my loved ones. I am forever scared. And that’s why I sometimes become a little more concerned about you than I am supposed to be or than you like it.

And my anxiety multiplies a thousand folds when I have to talk to someone about how I feel or what I think. Trust me I tell a thing a thousand time to myself before I tell it to you. And even after filtering it to make sure not to hurt anyone with my words, I will still feel I have hurt you and feel bad over it. And that’s why I have people calling me diplomatic and bla. It’s just that hurting someone will hurt me a hundred times more and I am just being selfish.

And physically, being an over thinker drains you. Sometimes, it’s difficult to get out of your bed or move at all. You feel heavy and just can’t make it. The others, my anxiety will make me walk or blabber or just shake for hours. Sometimes you can hear your heart beat and it scares you. In the most extreme of cases, I have had episodes where I have felt a huge lump in my throat, choking me, my jaw and ears going stiff.

And I have had reasons of being an over thinker. From being physically assaulted to being in a serious of bad relationships to finding out that the degree you studied for 2 years has an authenticity issue, I have seen some pretty tough times in life and probably all this has made me this overthinking maniac.

Why am I saying all this is because I know of 2 reasons. I want to thank all the people who deal with my shit all the time and still think I am beautiful. And secondly, I know no one is entitled to deal with my shit and for that matter no one’s. But still if you come across someone who is as freaked out in life as I am, and trust me most of the times you won’t even know, just help them calm down in life. Let them be them and be there for them. Because it’s exhausting, trust me!

A sunny afternoon of winters

I lay in my bed, naked, inside out!

My body drenching in sweat and freezing with cold, together!

As it’s cold, out there and in here, for me to feel the love and comfort it gets with it!

I look around, for something that warms my heart and melts it like the sun melts the snow!

As it’s a sunny afternoon of winters!

I think of him, laying in my bed, and of his ruthless words, his bitter ignorance and the way he took his eyes, lovely eyes, off me!

And it makes me numb, in the ways more than one, like the chilling winters do!

I see him laying next to me and feel his lovely eyes, his musky scent and strong hands!

I feel him and his everything that warmed my heart, brightened my soul and heated my body!

And he is my sunny afternoon of winters!

I get away from him and his soft lips that kissed me nice and look into nothing to find a place, far from his cozy being!

I look for a corner to lock my heart up till every bit of the love freezes to become as biting as his words!

But I hear his breath, heavy and deep and wish to sink into them while I kiss him, so furiously that it calms both our demons!

And as I lay in my bed, naked, my heart, numb with his cold ways, is filled with warmth of love, love for the man laying next to me!

As I am the sunny afternoon of winters!

Your Favourite Wine

I am an acquired taste. Just like your favourite Wine! 

The first time you taste me, I would feel too much of something!

Too sweet for you, too bitter or probably just too dramatic to be true!

You will try to read me over, look for that one thing that makes me weird!

But nothing to find, as I am an acquired taste. Just like your favourite Wine! 

It takes time for me to get on your taste buds and make them hunger me!

I will change the way you think of Wines, all together!

I will make you love to hate me and hate to love me!

But will get into your veins as I am an acquired taste. Just like you favourite Wine! 

And then you will learn to love me. And know each ingredient I am made of!

You will notice where my bitterness comes from and how I got the drama!

You will get used to me and mine. Longing for all I have and all I give you!

And you will look at me, with cruelty in your eyes but love in your heart, before you take a sip of me!

To tell me that I am an acquired taste. Just like your favourite Wine!

Ek Bachpan Ki Yaad

Beparwahi, Aladhpan aur masumiat, inhe kisi teejori mai sambhalne ka dhyaan ata h

Ghar se door, apno se juda hokar, mujhe aj kal vo bachpan bada yaad aata h!

 

Maa k hath ka khana aur papa ki layi hui chocolates ka swaad muh mai bhar aata h

Ye mehangi dukano ka khana khate huye, mujhe aj kal vo bachpan bada yaad ata h!

 

Choti choti galti pe daant aur badi si gustaakhi pe pyaar se samjhane ka funda ab samajh sa aata h

Mere haar baat se nirpeksh is duniya ko dekh, mujhe aj kal vo bachpan bada yaad ata h!

 

Bhai k saath vo baat baat pe jhagadna aur fir ankh mai asoon ane tak hasne ka dil kar aata h

Har kisi ko dekh ek muskurahat dete huye, mujhe aj kal vo bachpan bada yaad ata h!

 

Doston se k saath bitaye the ghanto, maa kehti thi ‘mujhe ye yaraana bilkul na bhaata h’

Aaj khatt ka jawab ka intezaar kar rahe hai, mujhe aj kal vo bachpan bada yaad ata h!

 

Daadi ki kahaniya, Chachu ka laad, befikari mai kari nadaniya, sab zindagi ki sachai kuch palon k liye bhula deta h

Begane mai chehro mai apno ko dhundte, mujhe aj kal vo bachpan bada yaad aata h!

 

Bade bade sapne sajaye the, aur pura karne bhi nikle the, ye sab to chehre pe khushi si laata h

Lekin, ghar se door, apno se juda hokar, mujhe aj kal vo bachpan bada yaad aata h!

 

Whispers

She was sitting in his favourite café, with his favourite Pizza already ordered and day dreaming about the goodbye kiss they usually have when he drops her off. 

“Would like something to drink, Ma’am?” The waiter took her off guard as he interpreted abruptly into her romantic dream, seeing her empty glass. Her heart beat raised a tad but she managed to take a deep breath and reply – 

“Can I have another glass of Red wine please?” 

“Sure!” The waiter went his way to get her that wine. 

 

She went back to her day dreaming and waiting for his man of dream. Aneesh was already half an hour late which is usually not like him. Priya being herself, started overthinking and contemplating what may have gone wrong. 

“Am I stood up?” The voices in her head started making a shout 

“Probably he is just stuck in traffic.” She thinks with the slightest of a smile on her face. 

“Or he may be breaking up with me. Ohh no! Is he?” She starts to get anxious. 

Meanwhile, her glass of wine arrives and as she takes a sip, she feels slight breeze, like a breath of someone near her ear. She gets chill down her spine and Goosebumps all over her body. And suddenly there is a voice, that says – “BANG! and DEAD” 

Priya, with her heart racing like a horse and pearls of sweat all over her face turns back to see who is it and she is even more shocked to see that there is no one. She gets too numb to figure out what just happened and starts patting, and another moment, she hears another whisper “Hey, what sup?” 

Still in a state of shock, she turns back to the table to find Aneesh on the opposite chair. 

“What are you looking at?” – said Aneesh. 

“Never do that again. I got so scared” Priya said with a sigh of relief and a cocktail of emotions 

“Why are you so late? The pizza has gone cold. You could at least care to call once.” Priya went on and on with her complaints. 

“Woh! Woh! Woh! Relax, I told you that were all at Rahul’s for the game. We started having beer and lost the track of time. I still did my best with the car to reach here on time.” – Said Aneesh while he picked up a piece of the slightly warm Pizza. 

“You did it again. Drink and drive? Again?” – Priya certainly looked pretty upset. 

“Oh, the pizza is beautiful.” Aneesh relished the food and continued “But not as much as you look tonight.” He winked as said this.

Priya melted with his flirting and started drinking again. 

And the lovely couple had a good chat, with lip-smacking food and a scent of love in the air. 

As they were ready to leave, the waiter got the check and handed it over to Priya. She was a bit surprised as this was an act against the convention but she was so engrossed with her thoughts of that goodbye kiss and she paid the bill without a second thought. Anyway, they always go Dutch! 

As she was winding up her purse, she heard another whisper, very close to her ear “Let’s go and die?” and she was shaking. 

As she looked up and found no one, again. She hustled to look around and there was Aneesh saying “Let’s go? What happened?” 

“Did you whisper something…?” Priya was still in shock. 

“What whisper? I said, ‘Let’s go?’ How many drinks have you had already?” Aneesh said as they started walking out of the café towards their car. 

Aneesh held Priya by her waist and at the gate, the guard greeted, ‘Thank You Ma’am’ and she felt that he ignored Aneesh as if he wasn’t even there. 

As they sat in the car, Priya said – “I think I have had a little too much wine tonight. Something weird is happening.” 

“You want to stay over at my place tonight?” – Aneesh offered. “Why am I even asking, let’s go to my place.” 

She looked at him, with love filled in her eyes and smiled. As they drove, she dozed off and next moment, she heard a whisper again “Death’s here.” She suddenly woke up to find Aneesh right on her face and saying “It’s here. Home is here!” 

“Yeah!” – said Priya and they moved out of the car. 

As they walk up to Aneesh’s home, she blushed a little as the thought of the goodbye kiss crossed her mind. 

“I think I lost my keys.” Said Aneesh as he looked for his keys. “You have a spare one in your purse I hope.” 

“Yes! I will open.” – Priya said as she found the keys. 

They entered the home and it was dark. Priya heard her phone ringing. She reached into her purse to receive it and meanwhile, it disconnected. 

“30 missed calls from Rahul! Oh my god! What’s wrong?” Priya started panicking and while she was at it, she felt Aneesh arms around her waist and his lips on her neck. 

“Let me call him back, it may be something important!” Priya said while smiling and feeling great about the night of passion they were starting. 

But Aneesh didn’t stop and without saying a word, he kissed Priya tenderly! Priya also gave in and started kissing Aneesh passionately! Afterall, it’s the Goodbye kiss she has been dreaming about the entire evening. 

They both were deep into it when Priya’s phone rang again. It was Rahul again. 

Priya pushes Aneesh away and said “I think this is urgent. I will take it” and she rushed grab her phone! 

“Hello!” – said Priya 

“Where are you Priya?” Said a restless voice on the other side of the phone. 

“What happened Rahul? Are you okay?” – Priya confirmed 

“Okay! I want you to sit down for this.” 

“Why? What’s wrong?” Priya was now scared 

“Aneesh was in an accident. His car banged a truck. He died on the spot” – the weeping voice said 

In that moment, Priya felt sweat all over her body. 

The phone dropped off her phone and she turned to look for Aneesh. And to her surprise, he wasn’t there. She started breathing heavily. She lost her ability to think or speak. And suddenly, she hears a whisper in her ear – “I told you ‘BANG AND DEAD’! Now let’s die, shall we?” 

And she turned around and standing there was Aneesh, scared and bleeding with a blue, cold body!

Wonder-lust

I wonder! 

That when I randomly cross someone walking down the street, they look back at me and hope for me to look back. 

That when I smile at a stranger, they remember later in the day and smile for no reason. 

I wonder! 

That when I strike a candid conversation with someone, they later tell their friends that what a great person I am to talk to. 

That if I ever randomly get noticed. And if I am later remembered. 

I wonder! 

That when there is a friendship budding somewhere, they feel good about it. Look forward to talk to me. May be blush a little. 

That when I am blabbering about anything and everything under the sun, they notice my silly, small habbits. The way I get shy away to look into their eyes. Or get anxious when they try to compliment me. 

I wonder! 

That if they get a feeling of void when I am not around. Wanting me to be there. By their side. 

That when they are in a middle of a task or a conversation, something reminds them of me and they wish for me to be there. 

I wonder! 

That if a thought of me can get someone butterflies in their stomach. Or probably just a small smile on their face. 

That if they have some memory of me, And if they play that memory on repeat in their head. Over and over again. 

I wonder!

That if they skip a beat or get jitters before talking to me. 

That if they plan and practice for the conversation they want to have with me. 

I wonder! 

That if they think that I am the best kiss they have ever had. The most romantic one, probably. 

That they wait for the moment we sink into each other. And when we do, they pray for the moment to never end. 

I wonder! 

That if they think of letting go their high walls when with me. Or peep into mine. 

That if they feel comfortable in my arms. If they want to be held forever. Or have the courage to hold me. 

I wonder! 

But we all do. Don’t we? 

Probably this is all that we wonder about. Lust over! 

And that’s my Wonder-Lust!

My Open Letter To Mumbai!

Ye Shehar kabhi sota Nahi, par ise Jagne ki zarurat h

Bechaini Bhari ankhain ko, duniya ko tatolti, Shanti ki zarurat h

Paani ki Tarah behti jaa Rae h iski zindagi, ise sehjata ki zarurat h

Ye shehar kabhi sota ni, par ise jagne ki zarurat h

Mana chalti ka naam h Gaadi, par gaadi ko thamne ki zarurat h

Na apno k lye na apne lye waqt h iske pas, ise Lamho ko Rokne ki zarurat h

Manzil bhi khoobsurat h iski, raah bhi, par usse raste ko bhi takkne ki zarurat h

Ye shehar kabhi sota Nahi, par ise jagne ki zarurat h

Sab log koh gye h iski Chamak Dhamak mai, par ise khud ko andhere mai dhundne ki zarurat h

Apni parchayi se bhi darte h yahan log, ise apne zameer ko tatolne ki zarurat h

Bhagde todte is shehar k logon ko, Kuchh pal k lye rukne ki zarurat h

Ye shehar kabhi sota Nahi, par is jagne ki zarurat h

Ek Roz Ki Kahani

Ek roz ankh khuli to

Suraj ki chamak mai ek andhera sa paya

Hawa ko berukha sa paya

Chidya ki chehchahat ko chhekhon sa paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya! 

Tumhare uss har wade mai chuppe fareb ko paya

Tumhari ankhon mai khoj k bhi sachhai ko na paya

Tumhare dhokhe ki nishaani ko nasoor sa paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya!

“Hogi koi uski bhi majboori” –  khud ko smjhaya

Toote dil ka dard na chehre pe dikhaya

Ankhon mai nami par hoton ko muskurate huye paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya!

Dukh mujhe tumhe khone ka nahi aya

Taras to mujhe apne bikharte bharose pe aya

Tum to chaldiye aage, mera ek dafa bhi dhyaan na aya

Par mere maine fir kabhi bhi khud mai pyaar ko na paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya! 

 

 

 

The song of Dawn

Let’s meet at the break of dawn!
When the day and night romance as I wish we did! When the world is asleep but we can be awake, gazing at each other!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn! When the moon’s love for sun is as pure as mine for you! When the darkness welcomes light with open arms as I wish you do!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn! When I could just be me, as the sky does. And touch you as the mountains touch the sky! When there could exist a world, where you can love me as I love you!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn

Love story of a Mountain!

I have always found mountains very enduring. High they stand, bold and tough. Seems that nothing can move them, nothing can make them smile or break them up. The tough, hard mountains.

But then they make love with the nature. They kiss the sky, embed the flora and fauna within themselves, touch the winds smoothly and smile. The beautiful love story begins and all we can do is smile at them until the moment when the same nature hits them hard. The sky starts to roar, the winds change the direction and love changes to a war. The nature brutally betrays the mountains.

And this is when the mountains breaks down. Hurt and saddened, they loose their themselves to the betrayal of nature and can’t hold it in anymore and they break down into pieces to never get back together. The beautiful love story of the hard tough mountain ends with tears!

 

You see what love can do? And you asked that person why he/she couldn’t fall in love?