It was her eyes that grabbed all my attention. They had something about them. Something which was rare. If I have to name the something, it was a spark. A spark I had not seen in ages. They were not big beautiful eyes. They were just rare.
And with her rare eyes she was reading a book I had heard about, “where rainbows end”, sitting right in front of me. We had been in the same train, sitting right opposite to each other for 2 hours now and never did she lifted her head to look at me or to look at the cute old couple sitting next to her or to look at the vendors passing by every 5 mins. I am not a pervert, flirtatious guy who wanted to ask for her number or something. I am just a engineering student who rarely interacted with girls, with people for that matter, and therefore in the name of the engineering men community, I just didn’t want to miss the chance to talk to a girl.
I was in the final year of my engineering and e and my batch mates were on our last trip of the college.
“We should go to Kasauli” Anuj proposed.
“Why do you always give such boring suggestions. Bro lets go to Ladhak.” Sid made his point.
This was the discussion in a messed up, smelly hostel room a night before our final semester exams were to start. There were around 7 guys in the room and no two people wanted to go to the same place.
I was sitting quietly in a corner as I didn’t really want to go on the trip. May be because I was too stressed about the final exams. Or just because of the fact that there were too many placement interviews I had given but received no call yet.
After a lot of argument, abuses and bromance, the destination was finalised. We planned a trip to Manali.
I had never been to Manali but the place had a very cliche image in my mind. My decision to not go on the trip became stronger.
“I am not coming. Have fun guys.” I said as I left the room.
There was a weird silence in the room as I was leaving. I made that statement in too much swag. As I stepped out of the room, the silence prevailed. Just walking a few steps towards my room, I stopped to hear the reaction of my friends. I was hoping for a cabinet meeting to be held in that room to identify the reason behind my declining to go on the trip and possible ways to convince me. But all I heard was “Should we take a train or a bus?” and voices were now lost into loud noise.
As I went to my room, I was expecting someone to come and convince me but no!!! Nobody gave a shit. It felt bad. Now I was sure about not going to that trip, even if it meant sacrificing my life, or giving up on my campus placements.
As the exams got over, I was confident that I would surely pass the exams. This confidence changed my mind and my mood, and I decided to come on the trip. To my surprise, all my friends were happy to know that i was joining them.
All my friends got seats in B5 and since I was the last one to join the trip, I had to make Tatkal booking. I got a seat in B1. Alone. All by myself. I was regretting my call to change my decision until I found the pretty lady sitting at the opposite seat as mine.
I was pretty sure that I had almost no chance to talk to her. But no matter what, I was to tell my friends that I did talk to her and make them all jealous. Yes, you can judge me. Engineering men will relate .
It was a over night journey. As the clock hit 9, everyone around us took their respective berths and slept. But she didn’t. Nor did I. We were sitting on the side lower berth. Now, she was just looking out of the window. She had not spoken a word in past 3-4 hours. My hormones didn’t allow me to keep mum any further.
“Where are you going?” I finally dared.
“Manali”. She gave one word answer with a straight face.
“Oh me too!! With friends, its out last college trip. Are you going with friends too?” I enquired.
“No, I am on a solo trip.” She said.
“That sounds interesting. Do you go on solo trips frequently?” I asked
“This is my first.” She replied
“Okay. What do you do?”
“I have recently finished my graduation in management. Currently preparing for my masters.”
“Ohh great. I….”
Without even realizing, I spoke for 30 mins in a go and revealed all my life secret to a girl who’s name, I didn’t even know. I told her about my past. My exes. My crushes.My dreams. How my dog bit my neighbour.
I was always fond of bla blaing but that day, I was out of limits. I was going on and on. May be because she was listening so attentively. Looking right at me, she never lost interest in what I was saying. Or may be because of the spark in her eyes. It kind of hypnotised me.
Finally when I realised that I had been speaking for too long now, I stopped and straight away asked the most stupid question a guy can ever ask.
“Have you fallen in love?”
Right after the moment these words came out of mouth, I wanted to jump off the train.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE. I asked myself.
I was prepared for a slap or at least a couple of abuses, but after staring at me for a few seconds and realising how horrified I was for asking that question, she started to laugh.
“I can’t fall in love” was all she said while laughing.
I have heard girls avoiding relationship by giving stupids reasons like “We are just friends” or “I want to concentrate on my exams right now” or “my parents do not approve of this” but this was different.
I wanted to ask her what she meant by that statement but after making that horrifying mistake of asking her the question at first place, I had no courage left.
After a long awkward pause, she said “I think your girlfriend was cheating on you from the very beginning.”
Now the situation was much worse than I thought. But we kept on talking and by the time we reached Manali, we knew each other quite well. She was very careful with the information she revealed but she shared enough to make me wanna know her more, better.
We got down at the Manali station. The weather was much more beautiful than I thought it to be. It was mesmerising. As soon as I stepped down at the platform, the sorrow of parting ways with her filled my heart. I did not fall for her or did not experience love at first sight, but she came out to be a mystery. A mystery I wanted to explore.
“See you around then?” she said extending her hand for a polite handshake I suppose.
I knew that I had just a couple of moments before she would leave the reach of my sight and we may never encounter again and I was staring at her like a eve teaser to let her sink in my eyes, my heart. My not reacting to her gesture made her surprised. She said- “
“Okay then, Bye!”
“You cannot do this. You cannot let her go like that.” A strong voice overpowered all my senses and I said
“Do you want to explore the place together? Just you and me? I think we will have fun together. I am sorry. Don’t take me in a wrong way. I didn’t mean that. I just want to explore Manali with you. That’s it.” As I was blabbering and blabbering, she smiled and shouted in my face “OKAY”.
I thought I had made her furious and this time, I might definitely get a tight beating but then she said “where do you want to go first?”
Those words were music to my ears. I wasted no time and carried my luggage and took my first step towards the best journey of my life. I didn’t even give it a second thought. Didn’t even inform my friends. Though later I got a lot of abuses and beatings from them but each of it was totally worth it.
The next five days were the best days of my life. I had seen a lot of good, bad and great moments in life. I spent the moments with some amazing people and a few irritating people too. But those 5 days had moments I lived with all my mind, heart and soul! It would be too predictable but yes, I fell in love with her. At least, it felt like love.
The last night on the trip, we decided to stay in at the hotel and have some drinks. I had never had so much talking to the same person in my entire life as much as I had with our throughout our trip, the thoughts didn’t seem to come end. We had a good conversation over a couple of beers. Laughed our anxieties and insecurities out, shared every possible details of our lives and shared the most comfortable silence ever.
As the night was coming to an end and we were to take our own ways the following morning, I gathered all my guts and told her that I had started feeling for her. No, this time I didn’t fear her hitting me. I knew she wouldn’t. But I was sure that she would come up with some reasons to let go the topic and will not acknowledge my feelings.
As usual, she surprised me. As I finished my words and was waiting for her to friend-zone me, she suddenly kissed me. YES, SHE DID THAT. TO ALL MY ENGINEER BROTHERS, hear that again, SHE KISSED ME. Few seconds of heaven. Few good seconds of pure awesomeness. It left me paralysed and all I could think was ‘WOW’. It was not the first kiss of my life but for sure, the best kiss of my life. And it was not the kiss that was so satisfying, it was the person it was happening with, it was the simplicity of the relationship, the moment that had nothing but just two people sinking into each other.
As it got over, I hated that it did, I wanted to talk. Wanted to know what the kiss meant. Wanted to discuss if this is the start of a journey together. Wanted to decide the names of our children. But before I could say anything, she said “I told you, I cannot fall in love.”
The world had come to an end for me. Something pierced my heart and it was bleeding. But I never said a word and spent the remaining time together in a dark, uncomfortable silence.
I thought it was an end to ‘US’. I accepted that fact with no regrets and grudges. Every moment I lived on this trip was a bonus in my life I never expected. I was happy and satisfied with the memories I had earned, a friend I made. But since we had the same hometown, we kept on meeting every now and then and some unsaid feeling were battered each time. The meetings increased, the batter increased and one day we started living together with the full consent of our families. All these years, we never said “I love you”. Never termed or labelled our relationship. We had everything a perfect couple has but the label.
I think she was right, the girl couldn’t fall in love, may be because she didn’t need to fall in love. She didn’t need to prove her loyalty and commitment towards a relationship by shouting about it or naming it. May be none of us needs to do it. May all this hassle of meeting the society standards makes the relationships chaotic. May be we actually never fall in love. May be the we never need to fall in love with anyone. May be all we need is to fall in love with the feelings, experiences, things together. MAY BE!!!