The Autumn of Life

Don’t you love self-destruction. Like you love the Autumn.

Everything falling apart and yet it is a beautiful sight.

And unlike autumn, we do it everyday. 

To put yourself to pain until it gets numb. 

To feel the pain of something so much that nothing else can compete it. 

There is a happiness, a sense of satisfaction to hurt yourself and cry over it. 

As bad as it sound, it is fulfilling. 

The Autumn of Life
The Autumn of Life

No, don’t take me wrong. By self-destruction I don’t mean to physically hurt yourself. 

I don’t mean to cut yourself in the places it hurts the most. 

Nor do I mean to drink until you zone out or smoke to death. 

Self-destruction is way different than self-harm.

It’s better and it’s worse. 

When you type and delete and re-type and delete that one text message over and over again, you are doing enough of self-destruction. 

When you build a high and hard wall all around you, that no one is allowed to peep through, the destruction is done. 

When you refuse to fall in love or when you fall in love too much and too deep, it is destruction. 

When you don’t say what you feel or you don’t feel what you say. When there is a shiny smile on that dull face. 

And, when hurt others just to not get hurt yourself, you are destructed. 

When you just cry yourself to sleep when you know you can talk to them. 

And smile when it is absolutely okay to cry, baby, that is self-destruction 

It’s all self-destructive and painful. But isn’t the pain beautiful? 

Just like the Autumn is beautiful? 

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Love story of a Mountain!

I have always found mountains very enduring. High they stand, bold and tough. Seems that nothing can move them, nothing can make them smile or break them up. The tough, hard mountains.

But then they make love with the nature. They kiss the sky, embed the flora and fauna within themselves, touch the winds smoothly and smile. The beautiful love story begins and all we can do is smile at them until the moment when the same nature hits them hard. The sky starts to roar, the winds change the direction and love changes to a war. The nature brutally betrays the mountains.

And this is when the mountains breaks down. Hurt and saddened, they loose their themselves to the betrayal of nature and can’t hold it in anymore and they break down into pieces to never get back together. The beautiful love story of the hard tough mountain ends with tears!

 

You see what love can do? And you asked that person why he/she couldn’t fall in love?

Smiles of Sorrow

Sorrow and I, make love every night!
Touching each other through the souls,
Loving every bit of other’s pain!
We kiss deep, not to forget
We kiss deep, to love the pain!
I hear the cries when it whispers the betrayal story
And it sees mine in my smile!
We love the pain, we love the betrayal
We love the cries and the stories!
Sorrow and I, make love every night!

Maa

Jab Kadam dagmagaye, Jab dil dehal jaye
Mujhe dhund Lena, mai yahi rahungi

Jab nind na aye, Jab bechani si chhaye
Awaz de dena, mai yahi rahungi

Gam ka andhera pad jaye ya khushiyon ka sawera dhal jaye
Hath to badhana, mai yahi rahungi

Dil tootega, sapne bhi tootege, bas tum na tootna
Himmat ka anchal pakdna kyuki mai yahi rahungi

Tera har dukh batne ko, Tera har dard chatne ko
Teri har khushi mai nashne ko, mai yahi rahungi

Maa hu Teri, tu mera h ansh
Bas dil mai rkhna, mai yahi rahungi.

 

Dedicated to all the beautiful and loving mothers out there.

We don’t say it enough, but we love you!

It was still Love!

Awkward silence, million giggles and a tender kiss
Their first date was prettier than the pretty picture
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

She peaked into his soul and he was happily striping
To him she was like mystery he was unraveling
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They met once, they met again and the agains were many
Each time, they kissed harder, touched deeper than any
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

She wanted forever and he couldn’t want
The agains vanished, the kisses ended and they decided on ‘We can’t’
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They missed the giggles, the awkward silences and the odour of other
The pain was trenching but the lips didn’t talk and the eyes didn’t bother
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

Down the line, they met again
The silences were still awkward but the hearts were in pain
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They talked and laughed, they kiss and touch
The eyes refused to see another and the heart felt the warmth much
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They ignored what the eyes told, what the heart said
They believed what the mind made and fed
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They knew it was love, but they knew it wasn’t forever
But why? Why their love couldn’t be forever?

My Best Friend’s Wedding Day!

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‘The footwear don’t go with your dress. Wear my blue ones. They are in my closet.’ – Sheena instructed me while the parlour lady was fixing up her make up for her sangeet ceremony.

‘I hate you! I so liked these footwear’ I faintly protested though I knew that now she has rejected these pair of footwear, I will never even touch them again.

‘Wear them at your own wedding then, not at mine.’ She said, not being able to express her emotions properly as she was a prisoner to the parlour lady at that moment.

I silently grabbed the blue footwear from her closet and changed, obsessing about the fact that 2 days down the line, she will not be around to validate my footwear choices.

I met Sheena 10 years ago, when she moved to my neighbourhood. Teenager, pretty and smart, she had her own lively and interesting persona. Though we were totally different in a lot ways, we were also just alike in many other. I remember the first time we went for a walk to bond and stuff and we talked about life in depth and detail and yes, it was friendship at first walk!

‘Don’t I look hot?’ She asked me.

‘Not at all.’ I said and then she we just hugged, feeling the emotions we generally don’t curate in words. And then we just left her house to celebrate her last night of bachelorette-hood in full Punjabi style.

When we reached the venue, everyone’s eye was on the-bride-to-be, who by the way, looked absolutely stunning!
Everyone rushed towards, hugging and congratulating Sheena and I stepped back from right by her side so that she could enjoy and cherish all the attention.

‘Dhara, come here! Help me with my lehnga.’ Sheena called me and extended her hand for me to grab it. As soon as I reached her, Sameer came rushing down and grabbed her hand and hugged her. And the room was full of cheers for the most adorable, cute couple!

I have never seen any guy making Sheena as happy as Sameer did. Not that she had been with a lot of them, but whatever 20-30 were there, no one was ever close to the loving and caring gentleman Sameer is.

Being the big fat Punjabi wedding it was, everyone from the Groom’s and Bride’s family was dancing, drinking and eating. Sheena’s and Sameer’s cousins prepared dance performances and Sheena’s parents had the biggest smiles in the place.

And there I was, standing in the corner, looking at the happy couple and also fiddling through faces to find some handsome guy. Meanwhile, I had a brief eye contact with the pretty bride and I knew that in that moment, all she was looking was were a few shots of vodka. And being the good friend as always, I took two of them, headed to her and gave her one.

‘On three’ I said. And she smiled

‘One, two, three’ I said and we both emptied the Vodka shots down our throats.

Throughout these years, we have been friends in need. We have shared endless laughters, soul soothing silences and pieces of a little wisdom and knowledge we both posses. We have talked about guys, clothes, world politics, cricket and everything that one can think of and never got bored of each other. We might have never expressed as much as we should, but we have felt extremely lucky to have found each other. I still do!

After an exhausting but ultimate fun sangeet ceremony, we came home, all exhausted and tired and all we still wanted to do was grab and a couple of beers and talk! And so we did. We talked about Sameer. We talked about her honeymoon. We decided her sex clothes also her regular clothes. We talked about everything but none of us mentioned about how much we were gonna miss each other because we were sure and determined to stay in touch like always, till the end of time.

Around 4 am, Sameer called her, may to flirt. I can’t forget the huge smile she had while she was on the call.

‘Now get off the phone and let me talk to my friend’ she said few minutes into the call and our chit-chat continued till the dusk. It was a I guess the shortest night ever for me!
It was finally my best friend’s wedding day!

Oh I can’t explain the cocktail of emotions I had that day. But certainly, excitement and happiness were the main ingredients.

With all the ceremonies and events lined up, it was the longest day for her but with the sense of her not being next door from tomorrow, it was the shortest day for me!

After all the typical Punjabi wedding ceremonies, we went to the parlour for her to get all dolled up.

Her wedding lehnga was this yellow and blue dress with golden embroidery all over it and a pinch of pink on the borders. Unconventional as always, she chose the most stunning wedding dress ever for herself! She changed into the wedding dress and once again sat down to glue up her ass on the chair for next couple of hours. If it was at our disposal, we would just fix out eyeliner and lipstick ourselves and get married.

While the makeup was in process, she started talking
‘You know, I will miss everyone a lot’ she said

‘I know. But that life yrr. And things will get better from here.’ I made sure to keep her moral and spirits high.

‘Yeah! I am sure. Visit my mom often. She will get lonely.’ I knew this has been on the top of her mind since a long time.

‘Goes without saying.’ And I just didn’t say this to say it. I meant it.

‘I will miss you also, FYI!’ And as she said that, I felt a lump in throat.

‘Have you gone mad or what?’ I said in the highest pitch possible and we started laughing.

‘Shhhh!!! Makeup will get ruined. Please don’t laugh madam.’ The makeup artist would definitely kick me out of the place if she could.
And the moment was finally here. The most charming bride of the century was standing with her prince and now he will be her best friend, stylist, shopping buddy, psychiatrist and her best friend for life.

They had the most wonderful wedding and the vadai scene was already on. Everyone was crying, bidding her a fair well and wishing her the best for the new innings of her life. Uncle was crying the most. Seeing him being so weak and vulnerable gave me chills down my spine.

‘I don’t want to get married’ was all I was thinking.

Everyone, all her relatives and her friends were crying thinking that now she will have a different life, a different family and may be some different friends. Everyone was sure that she will get busy with her new life and their importance will fade away eventually. That’s is actually the story of every bride, at every wedding!

But I stood in the corner, making sure that not even a single drop of tear rolls down my cheek, because I was sure that nothing will ever change for us. I was determined to make every effort to be as we always have been. I was sure that she will make every effort to be as she has been. And I was just too happy for my best friend and her new life to shed a tear.

I hugged her just before she was going to sit in the car.

‘Sameer’s has a hot cousin. He has a beard too. I will fix you two up soon.’ She whispered in my ear.

And all I could do was hug her tighter. And then she was going. With moist eyes and a wide smile. Peeking out of the window and waving everyone goodbye. She looked at me and I gave her a thumpsup with the naughtiest smile ever, thinking ‘Yes, you are having sex soon.’

As always, she understood everything without me having saying a word and laughed. I laughed too. I laughed until I could see her vanishing into the light of dusk!

Saturday, July 9

Hey Dear,

Ahh! I turn 30 today. 3-0! That’s pretty old haan? 30 years of life and experiences. 30 years of love and loss. 30 years of fear and passion. 30, I might take like 30 days to sink in that truth. I am 30 today.

It was a pretty good day at work today. I wore my red dress. THE RED DRESS! I sure turned heads today. Specially the pervert Anuj. As always, he didn’t miss the opportunity to feel my body while wishing me for the day. He came shouting through the door and while all I wanted to do was a handshake, he hugged me. Tight enough to feel my breasts against his body. His inappropriate actions have become such a routine like the morning coffee now that I actually have started enjoying it. Or may be I have just given up! Whatever! The highlight of the day was the charming Rishi. Ohh.. He is so cute! Tall, dark and those hazel eyes full of life. All I want is to grab him by the collar and kiss him as it’s the end of the world. But then the thought of my loving husband overpowers.

I took half of the day off today to pamper myself at the salon, after all, it was my 30th. I deserve that, don’t I? I thought of getting a nice spa and some mani-pedi. And then spend a good enough time to curate my emotions and memories today for you. But who knew my dear husband had other plans for me. As I entered the house, the floor was all laid with fine rose petals and there were candles all over. The candles brightened up the place, kept dark on purpose, so beautifully. There was soft music in the background and the place was pleasantly smelling good. It was such a good sight to see Krish finally making such a great gesture after 5 years of marriage.

Remember the last time we talked? Remember I told you about Krish’s and my fight? Ahh that was an ugly one. It was a near divorce situation there. Well, things got better since then. He started treating as his wife and not just another friend to chill with or his nany to take care of him. I always knew about his problem with letting someone enter his personal space or invade his so called independence. I don’t know why I married him after being treated by him like shit for years. Well, no point regretting.


As I was standing there, making peace with such a wonderful surprise my husband had planned for me, Krish grabbed by the waist out of nowhere. I got a little scared but then he started singing “Happy Birthday” in my ear. So close that I could listen to every breath of his as he sang. It was so arousing. Not just the way his lips felt on my skin but the roses and the candles and the music. Everything was turning me on. He then just pulled me towards the dinning table with him where there was a yummy looking chocolate cake, with the chocolate frosting and a lot of nuts for the decoration. He gave me the knife to cut the. The idiot got a huge kitchen knife to cut a cake. Still grabbing me tight by the waist and singing the song, he held my hand as I was cutting the cake. He then took a piece of the cake and rubbed the frosting all over my neck and a little on my lips. He then kissed me. Kissed me so passionately that it felt like it was the end of the world. Kissed me like I wanted to kiss Rishi in the office today. His hand were all over my body. I was just surrendering to the moment. It felt great. He then kissed my neck. Licked off all the cake on there. Each kiss was more passionate than before and with every kiss, I was breathing more furiously. He then gently pushed to the table, while he was his hands were grabbing my body tight and his tongue was all over my neck. As I held the table to keep my balance, my hand touched the giant knife with which I murdered the beautiful birthday cake of mine. I was about to take the knife and keep it at distance so it doesn’t hurt any one of us, when he suddenly grabbed my hair and started kissing me again, more authoritatively than romantically this time. I pushed him back gently, turned around, facing my table, undressed myself completely, took the knife and furiously turned around slitting his throat with knife. He bled to death and couldn’t even cry out for help. I felt terrible right after I did it and kissed him while he bled.


The police is on it’s way and I wanted to utilise the time before they come in. Wait for the next diary entry. May be by then I will able to tell you about my long pending job promotion. Till then, miss me!

Yours, Aarvi.

Saturday, July 9

The girl who still wants to fall in love! 

U’What the hell are you doing here?’ He was shocked to see me there to his very core. And his reaction was nothing but legitimate. It was a usual Monday for everyone until I decided to do something crazy and took a cab to visit him and surprise him 100 kms away from where we used to study together. 
To give a small background, those were the very initial days of our college and us dating. From the beginning, it wasn’t a very lovy-dovy relationship but I believed and for that matter still believe that every relationship needs time and effort to build. 
The night before the D-day, we had a fight and as usual, I was made to believe that the fight was because of my stupidity and immaturity. We had such quarrels quote often but we always just kissed them out and move forward with it. The worst part of this one was that he was not the campus premises but back in his home town when we had this fight. So, it turned a little uglier than it ever. 
I had to make up with him on this and could not wait until he was back. So being a stupid teenager that I was, I took a impulsive decision of going down to his hometown, 2 hours away from the campus, to sort things up. 
Between figuring out what to wear down and how to reach there and how to surprise him, I found a guiding angel in his best friend from school. Let’s call him ‘Dog’. :p 
We had met twice and shared a decent interaction. I explained him the situation and he very willingly offered to help me. 

Being a gentleman, he offered to pick me up from the bus stop, where the bus I was traveling via had to drop me. He arranged bus tickets for me, both ways and also cleverly made sure that my boyfriend was in town on that day. Honestly, I was relaxed after being offered the help and also quite excited for the next day. 

As everything was well figured out, except what dress I had to wear(we girls can never figure that out), I slept peacefully hoping to wake up to a loving and exciting day the next morning. 
The next day I took the bus and reached there. Dog picked me up and we went to meet my boyfriend. And how he reacted has already been mentioned above. 
‘You must be crazy to come down here?’ He said. ‘How did you figure it all out?’
‘I just has to make up for the fight, so I am here.’ I replied with love, synonym of stupidity, overflowing from every part of my body. 
To my surprise, he was more annoyed and tensed than happy to see me there. I thought it was because he still held the grudge from the fight. And since dog was with us, we did not really had a chance to make things right. 
‘Mom is calling me home, something urgent has come up. I have to leave.’ He said after receiving a call as we three were enjoying a pizza at a cafe. 
‘But I still have about an hour and a half before I have to board the bus back. Can you not manage?’ I enquirer with a puppy face. 
‘No, I have to go. He will drop you till the bus stop.’ Referring to dog. ‘Bye.’ He just swiftly left, leaving me shocked and sad. 
Dog and I shared a few talks together and then left for bus stop, way before the time as we ran short of things to talk about. 
We were driving towards the bus stop when he decided to take a detour and took the car to a relatively lonely road. I immediately sensed something fishy and strongly opposed it. 
‘Arre, don’t worry. It’s just another route.’ He assured me. But I was continuously nagged and asked him to drop as soon as possible until when he stopped the car at a strange location and said 
‘I will drop you after we make out.’ 
Shocked and frightened, I could not think of anything. I looked around and all I could see was some semi-developed building. 
I thought of getting out of the car but I knew I would never able to reach back if I did so. 

And that left me with the only option, talking him out of it. 

‘I am your best friend’s girlfriend. Don’t do that to me.’ I said 
‘He will never know, come on.’ He said as he grabbed my arm and leaned forward. 
‘Please don’t do this, you are a friend.’ I cried
And then he forced himself on me, trying to kiss me as I used all my energy to resist. He touched me inappropriately and tightly held my head to kiss me. I used all the tools at my disposal like my nails to hurt him and trying to keep him away. Being the strong one, he wouldn’t let the situation go and forced himself harder every time I hurt his ego. After a lot of rebel I had lost my emotional control and yelled on the top of my voice “Anyone can force himself on a lonely girl, it takes to be a man enough to charm one.” 
It took a few words to hurt him in the balls in response to all the force he used on me. 
Yes, I was molested by my boyfriend’s best friend. And this changed me and my opinion about men on whole for the rest of my life. Even today when I travel alone, I analyse each man I come across with suspicion. Even the slightest brush against my body by a stranger feels bad. For years I didn’t allow myself to trust or love a man. I became this heartless strong bitch who cried herself to sleep almost every night. 
But the story doesn’t end here. When I told my boyfriend about it, he dumped me for cheating on him and making out with his best friend. 
And a best friend duo changed my whole perception about love, trust and friendship forever. It took me years to finally lure myself to love and trust again. 
Few years down the road, I am a independent woman with a firm believe in the power of love. 
The story is based on a candid confession by the girl who still wants to fall in love. 

Humans are the most beautiful yet complex stories. And each human being has a different start, a different end and a different plot. Dil-e-jugnoo is trying to curate the humans who want to share thier untold stories with world. 

Write us at boringdivyata@gmail.com if you have one such story. 

A friend in need is a friend indeed

Amongst all the lessons taught to me as a child, I lived by a few truly. One of them was “A friend in need is a friend indeed.”

I always tried and push my boundaries to help a friend. Made myself available, in every aspect, whenever someone is in need. I was rewarded by a bunch of great loving friends. Life always seemed sorted and exciting with such great people to hang out with.

After fiddling between a lot of things in life, I finally had my dream for a startup. As excited as I was to have my own little baby and grow it into a great success, capital was a major issue yet to be looked after.

I had a decent amount of saving that, if added with some loan, would have given a kick start to my venture. The only issue was that most of this saving was loaned out to friends in need, who promised to pay back as soon as they can. Since all of them were close friends, I didn’t shy away to ask for my money back. I knew nobody would say no. After all it was my dream and they all supported me nicely.

To my surprise, none of my friends helped me when I knocked their doors. I got all the weird reasons like ‘There is a major crisis at work and I can’t pay you back.’ Or ‘You should have asked for it last week, I just bought a new phone.’ So and so forth. I was bankrupt when life chose to teach me the lesson about how the childhood lessons made sense only in childhood. And this moment, changed all my perceptions about life, friendship and money, forever.

Shattered and cribbing, I took a little time to sync in the biggest lesson life had ever thrown at me. I pulled myself together and gathered the dedication and energy to start the journey towards building my empire.

I took a loan from the bank, withdrew all the little money I had in bank, sold the jewellery that women in the house had and started up. I am not proud of using the money that didn’t really belong to me but I was assured that I didn’t go week and begged for money outside the four walls of my home.

Few months down the line, I had a startup, biggest in its own space, up and running.

 

The story is based on the real life incident of a successful serial entrepreneur. 

As a writer, I always try to churn out fiction from the living stories around me. Every story has a hidden reality of its own. But we never, and that’s the worst part about weiters, acknowledge the reality and appreciate the person who lived the story we just curated into words. But wouldn’t reading a person not be much more beautiful than reading a story?  Therefore, I want to initiate a small campaign where people can share their real life experience and help themselves to get out of their system and others to take a lesson from it. The above story is first out of many to come. 

Lilies And Roses

As a child, my mother always told the not-so-romantic fairy tale behind her marriage and how she did not have a big lavish wedding because of financial restrains and how she wants to have a huge, fat Punjabi wedding for me. I had heard that story a million times while growing up, but even today, I would give up on anything to hear that tale all over again, to a have a glance of the excitement and enthusiasm with which she tells it, to see the spark that fills her eyes when she dreams about me.

Finally, the day had come. I have been waiting for the day since long. A tide of emotions is within. But the flowers, decoration and caterers will not let me feel any of them completely. The house was decorated like a palace. The front door had these beautiful white lilies and red roses. Lilies were my choice as I knew they were his favourite flowers and roses were my mother’s choice. She said they were dad’s favourite. My dad left us for his heavenly aboard when I was 12. He was my hero. He always took care of all our needs before we even realised them. As a kid, I believed he had some superpower as he just knew what I want before I told him. He took care of everything. I and my mom were totally dependent on him in every aspect. After he left, it was a little difficult to adjust with the fact that now there would be no one to depend upon. Now I am my own dad.

All the chachas, mamas and buas had arrived. Except Billu mama. He is always late at every occasion. But I was hoping that he would make it on time this time. He knew how much this day means to me. HUH! The living room was full of people. Aunties shouting on the top of their voices and calling it singing. Small kids running around, either looking for food or their parents. And the never ending Bitching and QA session.

“How do the groom and the bride know each other anyways?” one old lady, who is my grandma, however distant she may be, enquired suspiciously. “They are schools friends’ ji. They must have been in touch all these years.” Replied another distant relative of mine.

As I overheard them, all that I could picture was two vamps from Ekta Kapoors daily soap, with a really long bindi on the forehead and makeup as horrifying as a Halloween costume, talking. I could sense the suspicion, complaint and all the negative adjectives that I cannot thing of now. I was just sorry for the size of the brain they use to think. Being the big fat Punjabi family that we are, and by fat I mean literally, all this was meant to happen. As much as everything was chaotic and I had so much on my plate to do, seeing a place so colourful, musical and energetic, was a joyous site.

The moment was finally here. He was standing up on the stage, all armed and prepared to face the storm that was to hit his life. I had never seen anyone as  prepared as he was for the battle. And walking the aisle was the most beautiful bride I ever saw. As she walked towards her knight to begin the new adventure of life, every moment spent with her just flashed and I couldn’t control all the overwhelming emotions within.

As she approached the stage, he came forward to receive her. And a tear rolled down her eye. No daughter would have ever felt as satisfied watching her mother cry as I did at that particular moment. She wore the same saree as the one she wore when she married my dad. A beautiful red saree with a sparkling white border.

Like all parents, my mother had and has a lot of dreams for me. She always gave me the best of everything. But it took me a while to realize that behind the woman who is always smiling, who is tuff as The Hulk and who was the “Dad” of my life, was alone and vulnerable all these years. And my dream was to give her a companion she needed, a partner she deserved.

Yes, I gave my mother the wedding she always wanted. Ohh sorry, I gave my mother a 2nd marriage, in a way that she always wanted