Happy Birthday, overthinker!

As my birthday is coming to an end and I have grown an year older and hopefully wiser, I take this day to promise myself to be a better person. And as a part of being better, I am here to accept my short comings and probably ask for help to get over them.

I have this issue of “Overthinking” in every situation possible. Some might term it as an anxiety issue but then I am not sure. But again, if not that serious, this habit has really handicapped me in a lot of ways.

Even the smallest of things that happen around me, makes me extremely anxious. I think about what you said to me, the way you talked, the tone of your voice and a lot more for hours and hours. Even the things you haven’t said will haunt me. I think about past and future till the extend that I ruin my present.

There are multiple and multiple sounds going in my head, so much so that I can’t even process things at time and just become mum. At this point in time, I lose the ability to say anything wise and hence just chose to shut up. And I have this constant thoughts of something bad happening to me or my loved ones. I am forever scared. And that’s why I sometimes become a little more concerned about you than I am supposed to be or than you like it.

And my anxiety multiplies a thousand folds when I have to talk to someone about how I feel or what I think. Trust me I tell a thing a thousand time to myself before I tell it to you. And even after filtering it to make sure not to hurt anyone with my words, I will still feel I have hurt you and feel bad over it. And that’s why I have people calling me diplomatic and bla. It’s just that hurting someone will hurt me a hundred times more and I am just being selfish.

And physically, being an over thinker drains you. Sometimes, it’s difficult to get out of your bed or move at all. You feel heavy and just can’t make it. The others, my anxiety will make me walk or blabber or just shake for hours. Sometimes you can hear your heart beat and it scares you. In the most extreme of cases, I have had episodes where I have felt a huge lump in my throat, choking me, my jaw and ears going stiff.

And I have had reasons of being an over thinker. From being physically assaulted to being in a serious of bad relationships to finding out that the degree you studied for 2 years has an authenticity issue, I have seen some pretty tough times in life and probably all this has made me this overthinking maniac.

Why am I saying all this is because I know of 2 reasons. I want to thank all the people who deal with my shit all the time and still think I am beautiful. And secondly, I know no one is entitled to deal with my shit and for that matter no one’s. But still if you come across someone who is as freaked out in life as I am, and trust me most of the times you won’t even know, just help them calm down in life. Let them be them and be there for them. Because it’s exhausting, trust me!

The girl who still wants to fall in love!

U’What the hell are you doing here?’ He was shocked to see me there to his very core. And his reaction was nothing but legitimate. It was a usual Monday for everyone until I decided to do something crazy and took a cab to visit him and surprise him 100 kms away from where we used to study together. 
To give a small background, those were the very initial days of our college and us dating. From the beginning, it wasn’t a very lovy-dovy relationship but I believed and for that matter still believe that every relationship needs time and effort to build. 
The night before the D-day, we had a fight and as usual, I was made to believe that the fight was because of my stupidity and immaturity. We had such quarrels quote often but we always just kissed them out and move forward with it. The worst part of this one was that he was not the campus premises but back in his home town when we had this fight. So, it turned a little uglier than it ever. 
I had to make up with him on this and could not wait until he was back. So being a stupid teenager that I was, I took a impulsive decision of going down to his hometown, 2 hours away from the campus, to sort things up. 
Between figuring out what to wear down and how to reach there and how to surprise him, I found a guiding angel in his best friend from school. Let’s call him ‘Dog’. :p 
We had met twice and shared a decent interaction. I explained him the situation and he very willingly offered to help me. 

Being a gentleman, he offered to pick me up from the bus stop, where the bus I was traveling via had to drop me. He arranged bus tickets for me, both ways and also cleverly made sure that my boyfriend was in town on that day. Honestly, I was relaxed after being offered the help and also quite excited for the next day. 

As everything was well figured out, except what dress I had to wear(we girls can never figure that out), I slept peacefully hoping to wake up to a loving and exciting day the next morning. 
The next day I took the bus and reached there. Dog picked me up and we went to meet my boyfriend. And how he reacted has already been mentioned above. 
‘You must be crazy to come down here?’ He said. ‘How did you figure it all out?’
‘I just has to make up for the fight, so I am here.’ I replied with love, synonym of stupidity, overflowing from every part of my body. 
To my surprise, he was more annoyed and tensed than happy to see me there. I thought it was because he still held the grudge from the fight. And since dog was with us, we did not really had a chance to make things right. 
‘Mom is calling me home, something urgent has come up. I have to leave.’ He said after receiving a call as we three were enjoying a pizza at a cafe. 
‘But I still have about an hour and a half before I have to board the bus back. Can you not manage?’ I enquirer with a puppy face. 
‘No, I have to go. He will drop you till the bus stop.’ Referring to dog. ‘Bye.’ He just swiftly left, leaving me shocked and sad. 
Dog and I shared a few talks together and then left for bus stop, way before the time as we ran short of things to talk about. 
We were driving towards the bus stop when he decided to take a detour and took the car to a relatively lonely road. I immediately sensed something fishy and strongly opposed it. 
‘Arre, don’t worry. It’s just another route.’ He assured me. But I was continuously nagged and asked him to drop as soon as possible until when he stopped the car at a strange location and said 
‘I will drop you after we make out.’ 
Shocked and frightened, I could not think of anything. I looked around and all I could see was some semi-developed building. 
I thought of getting out of the car but I knew I would never able to reach back if I did so. 

And that left me with the only option, talking him out of it. 

‘I am your best friend’s girlfriend. Don’t do that to me.’ I said 
‘He will never know, come on.’ He said as he grabbed my arm and leaned forward. 
‘Please don’t do this, you are a friend.’ I cried
And then he forced himself on me, trying to kiss me as I used all my energy to resist. He touched me inappropriately and tightly held my head to kiss me. I used all the tools at my disposal like my nails to hurt him and trying to keep him away. Being the strong one, he wouldn’t let the situation go and forced himself harder every time I hurt his ego. After a lot of rebel I had lost my emotional control and yelled on the top of my voice “Anyone can force himself on a lonely girl, it takes to be a man enough to charm one.” 
It took a few words to hurt him in the balls in response to all the force he used on me. 
Yes, I was molested by my boyfriend’s best friend. And this changed me and my opinion about men on whole for the rest of my life. Even today when I travel alone, I analyse each man I come across with suspicion. Even the slightest brush against my body by a stranger feels bad. For years I didn’t allow myself to trust or love a man. I became this heartless strong bitch who cried herself to sleep almost every night. 
But the story doesn’t end here. When I told my boyfriend about it, he dumped me for cheating on him and making out with his best friend. 
And a best friend duo changed my whole perception about love, trust and friendship forever. It took me years to finally lure myself to love and trust again. 
Few years down the road, I am a independent woman with a firm believe in the power of love. 
– The story is based on a candid confession by the girl who still wants to fall in love. 

Humans are the most beautiful yet complex stories. And each human being has a different start, a different end and a different plot. Dil-e-jugnoo is trying to curate the humans who want to share thier untold stories with world. 

Write us at boringdivyata@gmail.com if you have one such story.