Smiles of Sorrow

Sorrow and I, make love every night!
Touching each other through the souls,
Loving every bit of other’s pain!
We kiss deep, not to forget
We kiss deep, to love the pain!
I hear the cries when it whispers the betrayal story
And it sees mine in my smile!
We love the pain, we love the betrayal
We love the cries and the stories!
Sorrow and I, make love every night!

Maa

Jab Kadam dagmagaye, Jab dil dehal jaye
Mujhe dhund Lena, mai yahi rahungi

Jab nind na aye, Jab bechani si chhaye
Awaz de dena, mai yahi rahungi

Gam ka andhera pad jaye ya khushiyon ka sawera dhal jaye
Hath to badhana, mai yahi rahungi

Dil tootega, sapne bhi tootege, bas tum na tootna
Himmat ka anchal pakdna kyuki mai yahi rahungi

Tera har dukh batne ko, Tera har dard chatne ko
Teri har khushi mai nashne ko, mai yahi rahungi

Maa hu Teri, tu mera h ansh
Bas dil mai rkhna, mai yahi rahungi.

 

Dedicated to all the beautiful and loving mothers out there.

We don’t say it enough, but we love you!

Saturday, July 9

Hey Dear,

Ahh! I turn 30 today. 3-0! That’s pretty old haan? 30 years of life and experiences. 30 years of love and loss. 30 years of fear and passion. 30, I might take like 30 days to sink in that truth. I am 30 today.

It was a pretty good day at work today. I wore my red dress. THE RED DRESS! I sure turned heads today. Specially the pervert Anuj. As always, he didn’t miss the opportunity to feel my body while wishing me for the day. He came shouting through the door and while all I wanted to do was a handshake, he hugged me. Tight enough to feel my breasts against his body. His inappropriate actions have become such a routine like the morning coffee now that I actually have started enjoying it. Or may be I have just given up! Whatever! The highlight of the day was the charming Rishi. Ohh.. He is so cute! Tall, dark and those hazel eyes full of life. All I want is to grab him by the collar and kiss him as it’s the end of the world. But then the thought of my loving husband overpowers.

I took half of the day off today to pamper myself at the salon, after all, it was my 30th. I deserve that, don’t I? I thought of getting a nice spa and some mani-pedi. And then spend a good enough time to curate my emotions and memories today for you. But who knew my dear husband had other plans for me. As I entered the house, the floor was all laid with fine rose petals and there were candles all over. The candles brightened up the place, kept dark on purpose, so beautifully. There was soft music in the background and the place was pleasantly smelling good. It was such a good sight to see Krish finally making such a great gesture after 5 years of marriage.

Remember the last time we talked? Remember I told you about Krish’s and my fight? Ahh that was an ugly one. It was a near divorce situation there. Well, things got better since then. He started treating as his wife and not just another friend to chill with or his nany to take care of him. I always knew about his problem with letting someone enter his personal space or invade his so called independence. I don’t know why I married him after being treated by him like shit for years. Well, no point regretting.


As I was standing there, making peace with such a wonderful surprise my husband had planned for me, Krish grabbed by the waist out of nowhere. I got a little scared but then he started singing “Happy Birthday” in my ear. So close that I could listen to every breath of his as he sang. It was so arousing. Not just the way his lips felt on my skin but the roses and the candles and the music. Everything was turning me on. He then just pulled me towards the dinning table with him where there was a yummy looking chocolate cake, with the chocolate frosting and a lot of nuts for the decoration. He gave me the knife to cut the. The idiot got a huge kitchen knife to cut a cake. Still grabbing me tight by the waist and singing the song, he held my hand as I was cutting the cake. He then took a piece of the cake and rubbed the frosting all over my neck and a little on my lips. He then kissed me. Kissed me so passionately that it felt like it was the end of the world. Kissed me like I wanted to kiss Rishi in the office today. His hand were all over my body. I was just surrendering to the moment. It felt great. He then kissed my neck. Licked off all the cake on there. Each kiss was more passionate than before and with every kiss, I was breathing more furiously. He then gently pushed to the table, while he was his hands were grabbing my body tight and his tongue was all over my neck. As I held the table to keep my balance, my hand touched the giant knife with which I murdered the beautiful birthday cake of mine. I was about to take the knife and keep it at distance so it doesn’t hurt any one of us, when he suddenly grabbed my hair and started kissing me again, more authoritatively than romantically this time. I pushed him back gently, turned around, facing my table, undressed myself completely, took the knife and furiously turned around slitting his throat with knife. He bled to death and couldn’t even cry out for help. I felt terrible right after I did it and kissed him while he bled.


The police is on it’s way and I wanted to utilise the time before they come in. Wait for the next diary entry. May be by then I will able to tell you about my long pending job promotion. Till then, miss me!

Yours, Aarvi.

Saturday, July 9

Lilies And Roses

As a child, my mother always told the not-so-romantic fairy tale behind her marriage and how she did not have a big lavish wedding because of financial restrains and how she wants to have a huge, fat Punjabi wedding for me. I had heard that story a million times while growing up, but even today, I would give up on anything to hear that tale all over again, to a have a glance of the excitement and enthusiasm with which she tells it, to see the spark that fills her eyes when she dreams about me.

Finally, the day had come. I have been waiting for the day since long. A tide of emotions is within. But the flowers, decoration and caterers will not let me feel any of them completely. The house was decorated like a palace. The front door had these beautiful white lilies and red roses. Lilies were my choice as I knew they were his favourite flowers and roses were my mother’s choice. She said they were dad’s favourite. My dad left us for his heavenly aboard when I was 12. He was my hero. He always took care of all our needs before we even realised them. As a kid, I believed he had some superpower as he just knew what I want before I told him. He took care of everything. I and my mom were totally dependent on him in every aspect. After he left, it was a little difficult to adjust with the fact that now there would be no one to depend upon. Now I am my own dad.

All the chachas, mamas and buas had arrived. Except Billu mama. He is always late at every occasion. But I was hoping that he would make it on time this time. He knew how much this day means to me. HUH! The living room was full of people. Aunties shouting on the top of their voices and calling it singing. Small kids running around, either looking for food or their parents. And the never ending Bitching and QA session.

“How do the groom and the bride know each other anyways?” one old lady, who is my grandma, however distant she may be, enquired suspiciously. “They are schools friends’ ji. They must have been in touch all these years.” Replied another distant relative of mine.

As I overheard them, all that I could picture was two vamps from Ekta Kapoors daily soap, with a really long bindi on the forehead and makeup as horrifying as a Halloween costume, talking. I could sense the suspicion, complaint and all the negative adjectives that I cannot thing of now. I was just sorry for the size of the brain they use to think. Being the big fat Punjabi family that we are, and by fat I mean literally, all this was meant to happen. As much as everything was chaotic and I had so much on my plate to do, seeing a place so colourful, musical and energetic, was a joyous site.

The moment was finally here. He was standing up on the stage, all armed and prepared to face the storm that was to hit his life. I had never seen anyone as  prepared as he was for the battle. And walking the aisle was the most beautiful bride I ever saw. As she walked towards her knight to begin the new adventure of life, every moment spent with her just flashed and I couldn’t control all the overwhelming emotions within.

As she approached the stage, he came forward to receive her. And a tear rolled down her eye. No daughter would have ever felt as satisfied watching her mother cry as I did at that particular moment. She wore the same saree as the one she wore when she married my dad. A beautiful red saree with a sparkling white border.

Like all parents, my mother had and has a lot of dreams for me. She always gave me the best of everything. But it took me a while to realize that behind the woman who is always smiling, who is tuff as The Hulk and who was the “Dad” of my life, was alone and vulnerable all these years. And my dream was to give her a companion she needed, a partner she deserved.

Yes, I gave my mother the wedding she always wanted. Ohh sorry, I gave my mother a 2nd marriage, in a way that she always wanted

LIKE EVERY MORNING

Like every morning, he was late for the office again. All he could think of, while rushing to catch the 8:20 Bus, was “Who can hire me if they fire me!!”

Though it was a cool day, the sun was resting behind the clouds and a sweet breeze was on its way to whisper into ears some place nice, Amit was so quick and kinda a restless to catch the bus that he was  sweating profusely.

Surprisingly, Amit reached the bus stop 5 mins early. But to his surprise, the little boy who sells the newspaper every morning right at the Bus stand was not present today. Amit bought newspaper from him and made a small talk every day. He got kinda worried not to see the little boy like he did every morning. As the anxious guy he was, Amit kept thinking of all the possible reasons for the young man’s absence. “May be Raju has taken his business to some other Bus Stop.” Was one of the many thoughts that popped in his head while he was drinking water to get hold of his breath.

Suddenly, Amit remembered a conversation he had with Raju about a week or so ago.

“The taught us the Table of 19 last evening. We also read a small poem.” Raju had told.

“Ohh great. You seem to be really liking your evening school. Aren’t you?” Amit enquired with excitement.

“Yes. I am loving it all except Alka Madam. Do you know why she always is so annoyed and angry?” Raju asked

“May be because she doesn’t has a friend like you.” Both of them had a huge smile as Amit said that. Meanwhile, Amit saw his bus coming. He bid a farewell to Raju as he tapped him on the head.

Amit helped Raju get admission in the evening school. The day Amit first met Raju, about 6 months ago, he looked pale and thin who could barely get out words from his mouth. But he was shouting at his maximum possible voice to convince people to buy newspapers for him. Amit felt sad for the kid, barely 6 or 7, working hard on the busy, polluted and unsafe street.

“This is the reason I have no faith in humanity” Thought Amit, being a pessimist he always has been.

He stood there, waiting for his bus as he had already missed the 8:20 Bus. He tried not giving much thought and attention towards the little struggling boy or his story. He started playing with his mobile but couldn’t avoid looking when Raju coughed badly and almost collapsed.  There were around 20 people standing on that bus stop, most of them well-clothed and looking their best, a few standing right in front of that ailing little kid, reading newspaper or at least pretending to, but none came forward to help Raju.

“Here, drink some water” Amit authoritatively asked Raju as he offered him his water bottle.

Raju, without even giving it a second thought, took the bottle and emptied half of it down his throat in one go.

“I was thirsty since morning. Thank you Bhaiya. May god bless you.” Raju said

“I don’t need your blessing. Why are you not at school? Why are you working when you can’t even stand properly? Where are your parents? Don’t they know this not only wrong but also illegal? You people just don’t understand the importance of education. All you care about is a little extra money.  Take me to your parents. I will talk to them” Amit shot all this in one go, without even stopping to breath.

His eyes looked angry. He looked furious. He suddenly realized a wave of rage within. He has never felt this way before. But today, something woke his demons up.

“Calm down Bhaiya. So much anger is not good for health. Here, drink some water.” Little Raju laughed like a baby after. His innocent laughter melted all the lava within Amit and he sat near Raju.

After a normal and usual QA session, Amit shot the question, “Where are your Parents?”

“I have none. But I have Pappu, Ajay and Hrithik. Ajay acts like a mother most of the time.” Said Raju, and giggled again.

The enthusiasm and happiness on this little lads face was driving Amit crazy. He felt awfully uncomfortable.

“Why.. I mean where are they? What happened??” Amit had almost lost his patience by then.

“Nothing happened to them. I just never had them. Ohh Bhaiya!! A bus is coming. You must see if it’s the one you have to board” Raju said.

Amit saw his bus coming and immediately ran towards it. As he was about to climb the bus, Raju shouted “Bhaiya” Amit turned back “me and my friends play cricket in the park near the chowk. Around 6. If you get time, come. Pappu is our very own Sachin Tendulkar.”

Amit did not react. He got a lump in his throat. He got numb. All he could think was “How can that guy be so happy and satisfied?”

He felt guilty for each moment he fought his parents. For all the moments he complaint for nearly perfect life he had. A volcano of feelings had erupted within him. He settled it down with some water.

After that day, Amit got Raju a pack of lunch and a jar of buttermilk every morning. He greeted Raju with love and made sure to talk to him for at least 5 min every morning, no matter how late for work did he get. Every morning Amit taught a little to Raju and learnt a little from Raju.

Until this morning. Raju was not at the bust stop. Like every other morning.800px-Morning_sun-wallpaper-1920x1080

The Lost Dreams

Yet again, he woke up with empty eyes and an a sobbing, empty heart.

The sun was pouring gold over the roads. The birds, chirping melodiously than ever. The wind was whispering a sweet new message into ears. it was rare morning in the concrete jungle of
Delhi.  But, he woke up with empty eyes.

“Haven’t you over-slept? You will be late for work” a sweet voice called Aniket while he was still in bed. It was Sonia’s voice, Aniket’s loving, caring, newly-wed  wife.

Aniket and Sonia had a sweet, traditional Punjabi wedding after an year of courtship. Obviously it was an arrange marriage. They met only once, at Sonia’s place, back in their home town Ludhiana. Aniket had heard a lot about how Sonia was a smart, educated girl with big and beautiful eyes. He was very excited to meet her. He wore his favourite blue shirt.

As Sonia entered the room, holding a tray with a lot of coffee mugs, Aniket could not resist to look right into her eyes to find that she actually had gorgeous eyes. Sonia wore a blue dress too. Aniket’s cousin, Akhil, notices the similarity in no time and everybody was excited and happy about the co-incidence. Daadi thought it was god’s message to tell us that this is to work.

Soon after the marriage, Aniket and Sonia moved to Delhi to join their respective jobs. Aniket never wanted to leave his home-town as a child. He was very attached to his family and friends. But as he grew older, he chose to move out of the city for higher studies and there was no returning back ever.

Aniket dragged himself out of the bed. He forced open his eyes and begin to get ready to start the usual journey of the day. As he sat on the breakfast table, Sonia noticed the glumness on her husband’s face.

“You know what, even I did not have any dream last night. I think I was too tired. I slept as soon as I hit the bed. You work too hard. We should take a break.” Sonia said all of that in one go.

Aniket looked at her and smiled.

“My dreams are lost.” Aniket said.

“They will find their way back.” Sonia replied with a smile.

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Aniket has been very depressed for a few years now. He doesn’t have dreams while sleeping like he used to have when he was a child. Every night he sleeps with a hope to visit the world of dreams and just steal one for himself to keep. But his dreams are lost.

As a child, Aniket used to have dreams every night. He had dreams about flying, dreams about fighting the demons, dreams about finding a hidden treasure, dreams about making his mother smile and laugh, dreams about leaving in the peaceful town, away from the devilish crowd of big cities, dreams about travelling the world with a cute little girl he had a crush on back then. He could not remember all the dreams the next morning. But whatever little memory he had, he tried his best to live that dream.

He remembers to get a leg fractured as he jumped from a tree trying to fly and was extremely proud of it as he became a hero for his friends. And once he had run away from school and did not came back until late evening to find the demons that had ate his share of Rajma Chawal. His cousins never fought him over food ever again.

But now, there were none. He had no dreams. He had nothing to accomplish each morning.

Today, he decided to bunk office as he was too depressed to work. He bought a cup of coffee to go from the coffee shop and found a peaceful corner in the park which was next to his office building. It was all green and beautiful around him but he was not able to appreciate the nature. All he could think of was a more beautiful place he saw in his dreams as a kid.

Suddenly a boy came and sat next to Aniket. He was in his early teens, wearing the dull school dress and carrying a huge bag that was weighing him down. Aniket knew that he had bunked his school.

“Did you bunk your school?” Aniket asked the boy.

“Do you know my father? Don’t tell him please. you can have my lunch” the said with scary voice as he furiously took out his lunch from his bag.

“No. No. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody. But you should not do that. It is risky.”

“You must take risks in life.” the boy said, in a very dramatic voice. It made Aniket laughed.

“But why are you here?”Aniket enquired.

“I am finding the monster I saw in my dream last night. It is this big(stretching both his hands wide), he is red and blue and has a big head.” boy said.

Aniket suddenly had all his childhood flash in front of him.

“Why are you finding him?” Aniket asked the little boy.

“I want to kill him. He is evil. Why do you ask so many questions?” the boy said.

“I have killed a lot of devils like this when I was a kid. I used to be so happy after doing it.” Aniket said.

The boy laughed and said “It doesn’t make me happy. I have to be out in the burning sun all day while my friends study. I want to study and get a job in that building.” Pointing at the building Aniket’s office was in. “I only do it because it makes me a hero in front of my friends. And I like that.”

The words struck Aniket’s mind as an arrow. He had tears rolling down his eyes. He was unable to think about anything but those words.
He realized that all his dreams were a way to satisfy his ego and he never really thought about the dreams he saw with open eyes.

He was unable to stop crying. He hugged the boy hard.
“You should use a better perfume. You have an unpleasant body odor. I will suggest Chanel.” The boy said in his own dramatic way.

Aniket smiled and left the place. As he stepped out of the park, he took out his mobile and called Sonia.

“Hello Aniket? Are you fine”, Sonia’s voice from the other end of the phone sounded shaky and worried as Aniket never called Sonia while at work.

“I think I found my dreams back. Can we go on a lunch date?”