Happy Birthday, overthinker!

As my birthday is coming to an end and I have grown an year older and hopefully wiser, I take this day to promise myself to be a better person. And as a part of being better, I am here to accept my short comings and probably ask for help to get over them.

I have this issue of “Overthinking” in every situation possible. Some might term it as an anxiety issue but then I am not sure. But again, if not that serious, this habit has really handicapped me in a lot of ways.

Even the smallest of things that happen around me, makes me extremely anxious. I think about what you said to me, the way you talked, the tone of your voice and a lot more for hours and hours. Even the things you haven’t said will haunt me. I think about past and future till the extend that I ruin my present.

There are multiple and multiple sounds going in my head, so much so that I can’t even process things at time and just become mum. At this point in time, I lose the ability to say anything wise and hence just chose to shut up. And I have this constant thoughts of something bad happening to me or my loved ones. I am forever scared. And that’s why I sometimes become a little more concerned about you than I am supposed to be or than you like it.

And my anxiety multiplies a thousand folds when I have to talk to someone about how I feel or what I think. Trust me I tell a thing a thousand time to myself before I tell it to you. And even after filtering it to make sure not to hurt anyone with my words, I will still feel I have hurt you and feel bad over it. And that’s why I have people calling me diplomatic and bla. It’s just that hurting someone will hurt me a hundred times more and I am just being selfish.

And physically, being an over thinker drains you. Sometimes, it’s difficult to get out of your bed or move at all. You feel heavy and just can’t make it. The others, my anxiety will make me walk or blabber or just shake for hours. Sometimes you can hear your heart beat and it scares you. In the most extreme of cases, I have had episodes where I have felt a huge lump in my throat, choking me, my jaw and ears going stiff.

And I have had reasons of being an over thinker. From being physically assaulted to being in a serious of bad relationships to finding out that the degree you studied for 2 years has an authenticity issue, I have seen some pretty tough times in life and probably all this has made me this overthinking maniac.

Why am I saying all this is because I know of 2 reasons. I want to thank all the people who deal with my shit all the time and still think I am beautiful. And secondly, I know no one is entitled to deal with my shit and for that matter no one’s. But still if you come across someone who is as freaked out in life as I am, and trust me most of the times you won’t even know, just help them calm down in life. Let them be them and be there for them. Because it’s exhausting, trust me!

Berukhi

Dhukh unki berukhi ka Nahi tha..
Uski to adat si thi

Dukh to mohobbat kr k bhi na kr apne ka tha
Dukh to apni khuashiyon ka katal krne ka tha
Dukh to chaha Kar bhi pyaar Bhari batain Na keh pane ka tha
Dukh to khud ko unko layak Na samajhne ka tha

 

Kasam khuda ki, dukh unki berukhi ka Nahi tha
Dukh to khud se khud ki berukhi ka tha!

Us, almost!

Even today when I stumble on your picture on Facebook sometimes, I can’t help but wonder that what brought us together,

Was it the fate, circumstances or that bottle of wine in our systems? 

 

When your chat shows up on WhatsApp, I try and ignore but while checking your last seen, it does come to mind,

Were we capable of more meaningful conversations than just “when are you free?” or “I will tell when I get free.”?

 

I will not lie but yes!  I do take a detour at times to walk through your street, just to gaze at the place where we spent time together and  think,

Why could I not stay in there a little while longer every time and if I had, could this feel like home? 

 

Once in a blue moon, when we happen to cross paths, I intentionally look away and try not to look into your eyes, because if I will, a question will haunt me that,

What are you looking at me with, love, lust, regret or nothing at all?

 

And while thinking about you at night, with my heart filled with emotions, desperately trying to get over you, I talk to the tear rolling down my cheek, ‘

What were we?  Nothing? Friends? Us, almost? 

 

And that naive heart of mine asks

Why did it have to stop at ‘Almost’? Why couldn’t it get to ‘Us’?

 

 

 

 

Letter to my 17 years old self

Dear 17 years old self,

When a friend makes fun of you for not being the coolest or the hottest one around, don’t take it your heart because you will find a few people who will love you for being perfect.

 

Dear 17 years old self,

When you make a very silly mistake during an exam or a class presentation and that teacher mocks you for it, forgive them! Because you will eventually find a mentor who will believe in your capabilities more than you do.

 

Dear 17 years old self,

When the person you love with all your heart and soul, leaves you in the middle of nowhere because you are too much of something, too fat or too good, for them, let them go. Because someone will come along to fill your heart with love and your life with meaning.

 

Dear 17 years old self,

When you decide to follow your heart and your parents declare you doomed, give them time to accept you. Because one day, you shall achieve heights and they will drum your success with all the happiness in the world.

 

Dear 17 years old self,

Do not let anyone or anything, leave a scar on you and if something does, do not blame yourself for it. Because, 10 years down the line, or in fact 5 years down, the words that hurt you or the things that pierced your heart or the scars will not matter.

But the marks of blame you put on yourself might stay and your older self does not want that!

 

Dear 17 years old self,

Just be you and love yourself and I, your older self, hereby forgives you!

A sunny afternoon of winters

I lay in my bed, naked, inside out!

My body drenching in sweat and freezing with cold, together!

As it’s cold, out there and in here, for me to feel the love and comfort it gets with it!

I look around, for something that warms my heart and melts it like the sun melts the snow!

As it’s a sunny afternoon of winters!

I think of him, laying in my bed, and of his ruthless words, his bitter ignorance and the way he took his eyes, lovely eyes, off me!

And it makes me numb, in the ways more than one, like the chilling winters do!

I see him laying next to me and feel his lovely eyes, his musky scent and strong hands!

I feel him and his everything that warmed my heart, brightened my soul and heated my body!

And he is my sunny afternoon of winters!

I get away from him and his soft lips that kissed me nice and look into nothing to find a place, far from his cozy being!

I look for a corner to lock my heart up till every bit of the love freezes to become as biting as his words!

But I hear his breath, heavy and deep and wish to sink into them while I kiss him, so furiously that it calms both our demons!

And as I lay in my bed, naked, my heart, numb with his cold ways, is filled with warmth of love, love for the man laying next to me!

As I am the sunny afternoon of winters!

Your Favourite Wine

I am an acquired taste. Just like your favourite Wine! 

The first time you taste me, I would feel too much of something!

Too sweet for you, too bitter or probably just too dramatic to be true!

You will try to read me over, look for that one thing that makes me weird!

But nothing to find, as I am an acquired taste. Just like your favourite Wine! 

It takes time for me to get on your taste buds and make them hunger me!

I will change the way you think of Wines, all together!

I will make you love to hate me and hate to love me!

But will get into your veins as I am an acquired taste. Just like you favourite Wine! 

And then you will learn to love me. And know each ingredient I am made of!

You will notice where my bitterness comes from and how I got the drama!

You will get used to me and mine. Longing for all I have and all I give you!

And you will look at me, with cruelty in your eyes but love in your heart, before you take a sip of me!

To tell me that I am an acquired taste. Just like your favourite Wine!

Wonder-lust

I wonder! 

That when I randomly cross someone walking down the street, they look back at me and hope for me to look back. 

That when I smile at a stranger, they remember later in the day and smile for no reason. 

I wonder! 

That when I strike a candid conversation with someone, they later tell their friends that what a great person I am to talk to. 

That if I ever randomly get noticed. And if I am later remembered. 

I wonder! 

That when there is a friendship budding somewhere, they feel good about it. Look forward to talk to me. May be blush a little. 

That when I am blabbering about anything and everything under the sun, they notice my silly, small habbits. The way I get shy away to look into their eyes. Or get anxious when they try to compliment me. 

I wonder! 

That if they get a feeling of void when I am not around. Wanting me to be there. By their side. 

That when they are in a middle of a task or a conversation, something reminds them of me and they wish for me to be there. 

I wonder! 

That if a thought of me can get someone butterflies in their stomach. Or probably just a small smile on their face. 

That if they have some memory of me, And if they play that memory on repeat in their head. Over and over again. 

I wonder!

That if they skip a beat or get jitters before talking to me. 

That if they plan and practice for the conversation they want to have with me. 

I wonder! 

That if they think that I am the best kiss they have ever had. The most romantic one, probably. 

That they wait for the moment we sink into each other. And when we do, they pray for the moment to never end. 

I wonder! 

That if they think of letting go their high walls when with me. Or peep into mine. 

That if they feel comfortable in my arms. If they want to be held forever. Or have the courage to hold me. 

I wonder! 

But we all do. Don’t we? 

Probably this is all that we wonder about. Lust over! 

And that’s my Wonder-Lust!

The song of Dawn

Let’s meet at the break of dawn!
When the day and night romance as I wish we did! When the world is asleep but we can be awake, gazing at each other!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn! When the moon’s love for sun is as pure as mine for you! When the darkness welcomes light with open arms as I wish you do!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn! When I could just be me, as the sky does. And touch you as the mountains touch the sky! When there could exist a world, where you can love me as I love you!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn

Love story of a Mountain!

I have always found mountains very enduring. High they stand, bold and tough. Seems that nothing can move them, nothing can make them smile or break them up. The tough, hard mountains.

But then they make love with the nature. They kiss the sky, embed the flora and fauna within themselves, touch the winds smoothly and smile. The beautiful love story begins and all we can do is smile at them until the moment when the same nature hits them hard. The sky starts to roar, the winds change the direction and love changes to a war. The nature brutally betrays the mountains.

And this is when the mountains breaks down. Hurt and saddened, they loose their themselves to the betrayal of nature and can’t hold it in anymore and they break down into pieces to never get back together. The beautiful love story of the hard tough mountain ends with tears!

 

You see what love can do? And you asked that person why he/she couldn’t fall in love?

Smiles of Sorrow

Sorrow and I, make love every night!
Touching each other through the souls,
Loving every bit of other’s pain!
We kiss deep, not to forget
We kiss deep, to love the pain!
I hear the cries when it whispers the betrayal story
And it sees mine in my smile!
We love the pain, we love the betrayal
We love the cries and the stories!
Sorrow and I, make love every night!