As my birthday is coming to an end and I have grown an year older and hopefully wiser, I take this day to promise myself to be a better person. And as a part of being better, I am here to accept my short comings and probably ask for help to get over them.
I have this issue of “Overthinking” in every situation possible. Some might term it as an anxiety issue but then I am not sure. But again, if not that serious, this habit has really handicapped me in a lot of ways.
Even the smallest of things that happen around me, makes me extremely anxious. I think about what you said to me, the way you talked, the tone of your voice and a lot more for hours and hours. Even the things you haven’t said will haunt me. I think about past and future till the extend that I ruin my present.
There are multiple and multiple sounds going in my head, so much so that I can’t even process things at time and just become mum. At this point in time, I lose the ability to say anything wise and hence just chose to shut up. And I have this constant thoughts of something bad happening to me or my loved ones. I am forever scared. And that’s why I sometimes become a little more concerned about you than I am supposed to be or than you like it.
And my anxiety multiplies a thousand folds when I have to talk to someone about how I feel or what I think. Trust me I tell a thing a thousand time to myself before I tell it to you. And even after filtering it to make sure not to hurt anyone with my words, I will still feel I have hurt you and feel bad over it. And that’s why I have people calling me diplomatic and bla. It’s just that hurting someone will hurt me a hundred times more and I am just being selfish.
And physically, being an over thinker drains you. Sometimes, it’s difficult to get out of your bed or move at all. You feel heavy and just can’t make it. The others, my anxiety will make me walk or blabber or just shake for hours. Sometimes you can hear your heart beat and it scares you. In the most extreme of cases, I have had episodes where I have felt a huge lump in my throat, choking me, my jaw and ears going stiff.
And I have had reasons of being an over thinker. From being physically assaulted to being in a serious of bad relationships to finding out that the degree you studied for 2 years has an authenticity issue, I have seen some pretty tough times in life and probably all this has made me this overthinking maniac.
Why am I saying all this is because I know of 2 reasons. I want to thank all the people who deal with my shit all the time and still think I am beautiful. And secondly, I know no one is entitled to deal with my shit and for that matter no one’s. But still if you come across someone who is as freaked out in life as I am, and trust me most of the times you won’t even know, just help them calm down in life. Let them be them and be there for them. Because it’s exhausting, trust me!
dil-e-jugnoo 