Wonder-lust

I wonder! 

That when I randomly cross someone walking down the street, they look back at me and hope for me to look back. 

That when I smile at a stranger, they remember later in the day and smile for no reason. 

I wonder! 

That when I strike a candid conversation with someone, they later tell their friends that what a great person I am to talk to. 

That if I ever randomly get noticed. And if I am later remembered. 

I wonder! 

That when there is a friendship budding somewhere, they feel good about it. Look forward to talk to me. May be blush a little. 

That when I am blabbering about anything and everything under the sun, they notice my silly, small habbits. The way I get shy away to look into their eyes. Or get anxious when they try to compliment me. 

I wonder! 

That if they get a feeling of void when I am not around. Wanting me to be there. By their side. 

That when they are in a middle of a task or a conversation, something reminds them of me and they wish for me to be there. 

I wonder! 

That if a thought of me can get someone butterflies in their stomach. Or probably just a small smile on their face. 

That if they have some memory of me, And if they play that memory on repeat in their head. Over and over again. 

I wonder!

That if they skip a beat or get jitters before talking to me. 

That if they plan and practice for the conversation they want to have with me. 

I wonder! 

That if they think that I am the best kiss they have ever had. The most romantic one, probably. 

That they wait for the moment we sink into each other. And when we do, they pray for the moment to never end. 

I wonder! 

That if they think of letting go their high walls when with me. Or peep into mine. 

That if they feel comfortable in my arms. If they want to be held forever. Or have the courage to hold me. 

I wonder! 

But we all do. Don’t we? 

Probably this is all that we wonder about. Lust over! 

And that’s my Wonder-Lust!

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My Open Letter To Mumbai!

Ye Shehar kabhi sota Nahi, par ise Jagne ki zarurat h

Bechaini Bhari ankhain ko, duniya ko tatolti, Shanti ki zarurat h

Paani ki Tarah behti jaa Rae h iski zindagi, ise sehjata ki zarurat h

Ye shehar kabhi sota ni, par ise jagne ki zarurat h

Mana chalti ka naam h Gaadi, par gaadi ko thamne ki zarurat h

Na apno k lye na apne lye waqt h iske pas, ise Lamho ko Rokne ki zarurat h

Manzil bhi khoobsurat h iski, raah bhi, par usse raste ko bhi takkne ki zarurat h

Ye shehar kabhi sota Nahi, par ise jagne ki zarurat h

Sab log koh gye h iski Chamak Dhamak mai, par ise khud ko andhere mai dhundne ki zarurat h

Apni parchayi se bhi darte h yahan log, ise apne zameer ko tatolne ki zarurat h

Bhagde todte is shehar k logon ko, Kuchh pal k lye rukne ki zarurat h

Ye shehar kabhi sota Nahi, par is jagne ki zarurat h

Ek Roz Ki Kahani

Ek roz ankh khuli to

Suraj ki chamak mai ek andhera sa paya

Hawa ko berukha sa paya

Chidya ki chehchahat ko chhekhon sa paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya! 

Tumhare uss har wade mai chuppe fareb ko paya

Tumhari ankhon mai khoj k bhi sachhai ko na paya

Tumhare dhokhe ki nishaani ko nasoor sa paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya!

“Hogi koi uski bhi majboori” –  khud ko smjhaya

Toote dil ka dard na chehre pe dikhaya

Ankhon mai nami par hoton ko muskurate huye paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya!

Dukh mujhe tumhe khone ka nahi aya

Taras to mujhe apne bikharte bharose pe aya

Tum to chaldiye aage, mera ek dafa bhi dhyaan na aya

Par mere maine fir kabhi bhi khud mai pyaar ko na paya

Ek roz ankh khuli to khud ko akela sa paya! 

 

 

 

The song of Dawn

Let’s meet at the break of dawn!
When the day and night romance as I wish we did! When the world is asleep but we can be awake, gazing at each other!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn! When the moon’s love for sun is as pure as mine for you! When the darkness welcomes light with open arms as I wish you do!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn! When I could just be me, as the sky does. And touch you as the mountains touch the sky! When there could exist a world, where you can love me as I love you!

Let’s meet at the break of dawn

The Autumn of Life

Don’t you love self-destruction. Like you love the Autumn.

Everything falling apart and yet it is a beautiful sight.

And unlike autumn, we do it everyday. 

To put yourself to pain until it gets numb. 

To feel the pain of something so much that nothing else can compete it. 

There is a happiness, a sense of satisfaction to hurt yourself and cry over it. 

As bad as it sound, it is fulfilling. 

The Autumn of Life
The Autumn of Life

No, don’t take me wrong. By self-destruction I don’t mean to physically hurt yourself. 

I don’t mean to cut yourself in the places it hurts the most. 

Nor do I mean to drink until you zone out or smoke to death. 

Self-destruction is way different than self-harm.

It’s better and it’s worse. 

When you type and delete and re-type and delete that one text message over and over again, you are doing enough of self-destruction. 

When you build a high and hard wall all around you, that no one is allowed to peep through, the destruction is done. 

When you refuse to fall in love or when you fall in love too much and too deep, it is destruction. 

When you don’t say what you feel or you don’t feel what you say. When there is a shiny smile on that dull face. 

And, when hurt others just to not get hurt yourself, you are destructed. 

When you just cry yourself to sleep when you know you can talk to them. 

And smile when it is absolutely okay to cry, baby, that is self-destruction 

It’s all self-destructive and painful. But isn’t the pain beautiful? 

Just like the Autumn is beautiful? 

Love story of a Mountain!

I have always found mountains very enduring. High they stand, bold and tough. Seems that nothing can move them, nothing can make them smile or break them up. The tough, hard mountains.

But then they make love with the nature. They kiss the sky, embed the flora and fauna within themselves, touch the winds smoothly and smile. The beautiful love story begins and all we can do is smile at them until the moment when the same nature hits them hard. The sky starts to roar, the winds change the direction and love changes to a war. The nature brutally betrays the mountains.

And this is when the mountains breaks down. Hurt and saddened, they loose their themselves to the betrayal of nature and can’t hold it in anymore and they break down into pieces to never get back together. The beautiful love story of the hard tough mountain ends with tears!

 

You see what love can do? And you asked that person why he/she couldn’t fall in love?

Smiles of Sorrow

Sorrow and I, make love every night!
Touching each other through the souls,
Loving every bit of other’s pain!
We kiss deep, not to forget
We kiss deep, to love the pain!
I hear the cries when it whispers the betrayal story
And it sees mine in my smile!
We love the pain, we love the betrayal
We love the cries and the stories!
Sorrow and I, make love every night!

Maa

Jab Kadam dagmagaye, Jab dil dehal jaye
Mujhe dhund Lena, mai yahi rahungi

Jab nind na aye, Jab bechani si chhaye
Awaz de dena, mai yahi rahungi

Gam ka andhera pad jaye ya khushiyon ka sawera dhal jaye
Hath to badhana, mai yahi rahungi

Dil tootega, sapne bhi tootege, bas tum na tootna
Himmat ka anchal pakdna kyuki mai yahi rahungi

Tera har dukh batne ko, Tera har dard chatne ko
Teri har khushi mai nashne ko, mai yahi rahungi

Maa hu Teri, tu mera h ansh
Bas dil mai rkhna, mai yahi rahungi.

 

Dedicated to all the beautiful and loving mothers out there.

We don’t say it enough, but we love you!

It was still Love!

Awkward silence, million giggles and a tender kiss
Their first date was prettier than the pretty picture
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

She peaked into his soul and he was happily striping
To him she was like mystery he was unraveling
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They met once, they met again and the agains were many
Each time, they kissed harder, touched deeper than any
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

She wanted forever and he couldn’t want
The agains vanished, the kisses ended and they decided on ‘We can’t’
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They missed the giggles, the awkward silences and the odour of other
The pain was trenching but the lips didn’t talk and the eyes didn’t bother
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

Down the line, they met again
The silences were still awkward but the hearts were in pain
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They talked and laughed, they kiss and touch
The eyes refused to see another and the heart felt the warmth much
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They ignored what the eyes told, what the heart said
They believed what the mind made and fed
Even if it didn’t last forever, it was still love!

They knew it was love, but they knew it wasn’t forever
But why? Why their love couldn’t be forever?

Saturday, July 9

Hey Dear,

Ahh! I turn 30 today. 3-0! That’s pretty old haan? 30 years of life and experiences. 30 years of love and loss. 30 years of fear and passion. 30, I might take like 30 days to sink in that truth. I am 30 today.

It was a pretty good day at work today. I wore my red dress. THE RED DRESS! I sure turned heads today. Specially the pervert Anuj. As always, he didn’t miss the opportunity to feel my body while wishing me for the day. He came shouting through the door and while all I wanted to do was a handshake, he hugged me. Tight enough to feel my breasts against his body. His inappropriate actions have become such a routine like the morning coffee now that I actually have started enjoying it. Or may be I have just given up! Whatever! The highlight of the day was the charming Rishi. Ohh.. He is so cute! Tall, dark and those hazel eyes full of life. All I want is to grab him by the collar and kiss him as it’s the end of the world. But then the thought of my loving husband overpowers.

I took half of the day off today to pamper myself at the salon, after all, it was my 30th. I deserve that, don’t I? I thought of getting a nice spa and some mani-pedi. And then spend a good enough time to curate my emotions and memories today for you. But who knew my dear husband had other plans for me. As I entered the house, the floor was all laid with fine rose petals and there were candles all over. The candles brightened up the place, kept dark on purpose, so beautifully. There was soft music in the background and the place was pleasantly smelling good. It was such a good sight to see Krish finally making such a great gesture after 5 years of marriage.

Remember the last time we talked? Remember I told you about Krish’s and my fight? Ahh that was an ugly one. It was a near divorce situation there. Well, things got better since then. He started treating as his wife and not just another friend to chill with or his nany to take care of him. I always knew about his problem with letting someone enter his personal space or invade his so called independence. I don’t know why I married him after being treated by him like shit for years. Well, no point regretting.


As I was standing there, making peace with such a wonderful surprise my husband had planned for me, Krish grabbed by the waist out of nowhere. I got a little scared but then he started singing “Happy Birthday” in my ear. So close that I could listen to every breath of his as he sang. It was so arousing. Not just the way his lips felt on my skin but the roses and the candles and the music. Everything was turning me on. He then just pulled me towards the dinning table with him where there was a yummy looking chocolate cake, with the chocolate frosting and a lot of nuts for the decoration. He gave me the knife to cut the. The idiot got a huge kitchen knife to cut a cake. Still grabbing me tight by the waist and singing the song, he held my hand as I was cutting the cake. He then took a piece of the cake and rubbed the frosting all over my neck and a little on my lips. He then kissed me. Kissed me so passionately that it felt like it was the end of the world. Kissed me like I wanted to kiss Rishi in the office today. His hand were all over my body. I was just surrendering to the moment. It felt great. He then kissed my neck. Licked off all the cake on there. Each kiss was more passionate than before and with every kiss, I was breathing more furiously. He then gently pushed to the table, while he was his hands were grabbing my body tight and his tongue was all over my neck. As I held the table to keep my balance, my hand touched the giant knife with which I murdered the beautiful birthday cake of mine. I was about to take the knife and keep it at distance so it doesn’t hurt any one of us, when he suddenly grabbed my hair and started kissing me again, more authoritatively than romantically this time. I pushed him back gently, turned around, facing my table, undressed myself completely, took the knife and furiously turned around slitting his throat with knife. He bled to death and couldn’t even cry out for help. I felt terrible right after I did it and kissed him while he bled.


The police is on it’s way and I wanted to utilise the time before they come in. Wait for the next diary entry. May be by then I will able to tell you about my long pending job promotion. Till then, miss me!

Yours, Aarvi.

Saturday, July 9